September 19, 2017

Grief, From An Old Mans Perspective

This was shared recently on a forum dealing with the loss of a loved one. I do not know the original poster or the respondent whose words I copy here, however the sentiment and the truth in this response shows a caring person with a great perspective on living, loving, and memories.

 

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents…

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to “not matter”. I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

 

I Love this and hope it helps you deal with your own loss

Do You Care Enough To Win?

who cares winsStrange,but massively important question in the world right now. From customer service battles, to ensnare customers, marketing competitions for the maximum dollar spent.The struggle for customer decisions, or maximum customer life time value, for brand loyalty . All these confrontations, seem so massively important to us,now.

Right now at this minute, on this planet, is another more chaotic conflict, where who cares really does determine who will win.

I have to say we, in the relaxed tolerant, can't be arse'd west seem content to turn a blind eye.

There is a huge religious conflict that will consume the globe.

And we do not care ~ enough, to win, FFS we can hardly be bothered to turn up!

I am not a political or religious animal. I have not been swayed by the God Squad. I was a firm believer at one time, but I find it a test of faith to far, to accept that a beneficent deity would allow the suffering of two kind and generous people. My parents, neither of whom did a soul a wrong turn in their lives, who neither deserved to suffer, but allowed to suffer they both were.

The war that my parents generation fought, with the VE Day remembrance commemorations yesterday, where lost comrades were thought of and those that gave were thanked, was a war where we cared. It mattered, and so we did do something about it.

FramedMumMy Mum was an extraordinary woman, she ran away to join up at 15 ( lied about her age and Date of Birth for the duration of WW2) She was an incredible machinist, and the first woman ever to be employed as a cutter by Burtons, normally cutters were men as they could be trusted to optimise the cloth usage per bolt of material.  Mum was able to survive and thrive in that place and fought hard for what she believed in. ( She cared.)

My Dad was a research chemist, His work resulted in many discoveries, some of which still survive in medical treatments today as a direct result of his work.

Notably beta Blockers, and anticonvulsants.

The beta Blocker work was inspired by Norman Black, who had the original concept of  heart rate control by inhibiting adrenalin  stimulation. He thought of adrenalin as a simple door key, and the receptor as the lock.The beta blocker was in fact a blank key that went into the lock but would not turn, so inhibiting the receptive nature and controlling the heart rate.

Norman Black was a brilliant ideas man, but he was typical of that sort. The idea was not accepted straight away either by the company or the medical profession. So, Dad was left with the project to bring it to fruition.Hew fought long and hard to get a formula which was acceptable to the medics and profitable for the company. He just carried on ignoring the people who told him he was wasting his time. Which is why we have beta blockers in the armoury of tools to fight heart disease today. Again, he cared.

me n dad framedHis other life time project was working on anti-convulsants, if you are an epilepsy sufferer today, then the medication you take is likely as a derivation of his work. My sister had petite-mal as compelling a reason as I can think of!

Can We Win?

 

In the Middle East today war rages on over religious difference. We will eventually lose, not because we are wrong, nor, more importantly because any one is particularly right. Put simply, we just do not care enough!

Our religion is weak, church attendance in this country is poor. I am not claiming any moral high ground here, I am not a man of faith, I believe in a greater good, a universe of plenty. I am content in times of great stress to allow myself to trust in the universal truths, of giving, and trust.

But would I go to war for that belief? unlikely, I am a pacifist. I abhor violence, I detest racial stereotyping of any description, and I am quick to turn the other cheek.

But I care, I care enough to see the imbalance in the world. I care enough to hope that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. That my few short words, will impact one other person, to at least stop and reconsider his or her actions, and that in turn will ease across the globe in a slow gentle ripple effect. Gradually changing mens hearts. It is a strong hope and one I care deeply enough about to keep pursuing.

What about you? Do you despair the oncoming crusaders, so many religious warriors convinced they have God and right on their side. The Whole disparity for me is that God cares for everyone, so how can he back one side against another, God is like a super parent, and no parent would set one child against another for sport.

Miss-guided or miss-directed, the storm of rage is continuing, the rule of apparent tyranny is maintaining it's progress across the dessert sands, be they right or wrong is of no interest to me, what makes them a potent force is the all consuming self belief they are right. They believe they are right, and what is more the whole thing matters to them, Enough to die in the pursuit of the goal.

I am sorry, I have very little that I believe in enough to die for, I can count them on one hand.

My wife and my 4 children, their well being and their continued safety.

Now I perceive the threat from the war lords as a threat to my family. But, I cannot conceive of a response, other than to try to understand them and move my family to a place of security and safety. The threat right now is too distant, too removed from my immediate comprehension.

But If I do nothing I know I will be lost.

I started working on line 3 years ago to protect my wife and myself from the difficulties of old age with no money. I care so much about this that I can not ever conceive a reason to stop working with every bone of my body to achieve that financial security.

Is it right to make a comparison to a religious war, or the discovery of a some great saving medical intervention, that has to date saved 10's if not 100's of millions of people from death.

Look, the point is I care, so I will do.

What Do You Care Enough About To Win

If You do not care, you will not do what it takes.

Tell me, what do you care enough about, to move you to take action?  Without taking action you will achieve nothing.

My Mum ran away to the WAAF's to escape the bullying of her father, and to sign up to help defeat an horrific oppressor. She was 15!

15 and yet she had the nerve, the driving force, the wish to make a difference, so strong in her, she could not conceive of any other path to take.

What do you care enough about to take action for?

When you can define that you will become unstoppable …. Why not start to find out what is possible in this modern digital age, because when you know what you could actually achieve you may just start having the faith in yourself to do something about it

Do You Care?

You read this far…So you are obviously looking for something … what is stopping you?

Email me >>>here <<< if you would just like a chat

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Steve Greenhalgh
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